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10 Things the GOP Platform Hates About You

The GOP of 2012 is a big tent. Especially if you're a white, wealthy, currently elderly, heterosexual, Christian, non-DC resident who plans on living forever.


This week, finally, after all those nerd-hours expended on wondering just what precious metal and fancy rhetorical jewels would gild the GOP's terrible turd ideas, the official Republican party platform will be revealed to a chorus of gasps, eye rolls, and delighted shrieks from Rick Santorum. According to people who have seen the thing in its entirety, it's the most conservative platform in modern history. Critics call it "angry," "fringe," and "extreme," as it calls for a constitutional amendment banning abortion in the case of rape, bars female soldiers from combat roles, blames sick people for requiring medical care, and officially declares gay marriage to be an abomination. In addition to being a policy compass — an indicator of what sort of laws we can expect from elected Republican officials over the next four years — the new platform is a giddy romp through all the reasons the grand ol' party might hate you.

With the platform committee replete with Tea Party all stars and chaired by Virginia Governor Bob "Mandatory Transvaginal Ultrasounds" McDonnell, it's no wonder the whole thing feels marinated in haterade. Let's dive in.

1. Women, shut up and let the zygotes talk.

"Even expensive prevention is preferable to more costly treatment later on," says one part of the leaked platform that doesn't have to do with women's bodies. The part that does directly have to do with women's bodies is decidedly less concerned with cost (or, uh, using the word "mother" or "woman" in reference to pregnancy) and more concerned with outlawing abortion in all circumstances, with  no exceptions for rape or incest.

THE SANCTITY AND DIGNITY OF HUMAN LIFE Faithful to the "self-evident" truths enshrined in the Declaration of Independence, we assert the sanctity of human life and affirm that the unborn child has a fundamental individual right to life which cannot be infringed. We support a human life amendment to the Constitution and endorse legislation to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment's protections apply to unborn children. We oppose using public revenues to promote or perform abortion or fund organizations which perform or advocate it and will not fund or subsidize health care which includes abortion coverage. We support the appointment of judges who respect traditional family values and the sanctity of innocent human life.

To be fair (and to borrow from Paul Ryan), rape is a "method of conception," and so if a person truly believes that a bundle of cells is more important than the woman carrying it, the way the bundle of cells came to be should be of no consequence. You have to admire the new GOP platform for its consistency.

2. Eat shit, rape victims.

Here's a jaunty little salute to states that require women who want to terminate their pregnancies to undergo medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds,

We also salute the many states that have passed laws for informed consent, mandatory waiting periods prior to an abortion, and health protective clinic regulation. We seek to protect young girls from exploitation through a parental consent requirement; and we affirm our moral obligation to assist, rather than penalize, women challenged by an unplanned pregnancy.

Again, no rape exception. But rape is only "a  detail" in the abortion debate, says horrible person Governor Bob McDonnell.

For real though: do Republicans seriously think pregnancy is easy? Every single pregnant women I've known has had a rough time of it, even women who have experienced "easy" pregnancies. It's nine months of hosting a tiny parasite that robs the female body of nutrients followed by the notoriously less-than-enjoyable process of childbirth. Wouldn't it just be healthier for everyone involved to just allow women who don't want to be pregnant to end their pregnancies as they chose? The government can claim they'll "support" (which, LOL, coming from the GOP) pregnant women, but all the support in the world can't erase the physical burden of pregnancy. No one should be forced to endure that.

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