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10 Things the GOP Platform Hates About You

The GOP of 2012 is a big tent. Especially if you're a white, wealthy, currently elderly, heterosexual, Christian, non-DC resident who plans on living forever.

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And at this point it could almost go without saying, but they'd like to declare English the official language of Amurrica.

7. Bless your little hearts, female soldiers

Have you ever spent time around Southerners? God love 'em, but if they're not the most venomous group of sweet-as-pie vipers I've ever met. Down south of the Mason Dixon line, "bless your heart" means roughly the same thing as "fuck you," but it's said with a smile, often under the guise of faux concern and condescension. It is the Southern woman's A-bomb. There is no Northern rebuttal.

Anyway, that's basically the official line of the GOP  on female soldiers. No women in combat, says a draft of the platform, although they truly appreciate the various lady-help women in the military have provided Uncle Sam.

We support the advancement of women in the military, which as not only opened doors of opportunity for individuals but has also made possible the devoted, and often heroic, services of additional members of every branch of the armed forces. We support military women's exemption from direct ground combat units and infantry battalions. We affirm the cultural values that encourage selfless service and superiority in battle, and we oppose anything that might divide or weaken team cohesion, including intra-military special interest demonstrations.

8. Ugh, just get out of my face with your crap, gays.

The GOP hasn't forgotten about you, homos. They still think what you're doing isn't natural. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, and you can't argue with elementary school logic that rhymes. The GOP of 2012 would like to add an amendment to the US Constitution barring same-sex marriage, because they still feel personally threatened by Neil Patrick Harris's obnoxiously perfect gay life. They also want to keep homos out of the military and, according to Think Progress, they think Obama is pooping all over traditional marriage.

The draft attacks President Obama for not defending in court the Defense of Marriage Act, which prohibits federal recognition of same-sex marriages. It calls that decision a "mockery of the President's inaugural oath," when in fact Mr. Obama would have been wrong to ignore lawyers who concluded that the law is unconstitutional.

9. Muslims, go back to Muslim-town.

Unsurprisingly, the platform contains several allusions to sharia law, at one point explicitly barring American judges from taking foreign law into consideration when ruling on cases. The GOP also calls for the US to defend "religious freedom" in places like the Middle East and East Africa, where  certain Christ-worshippers are being displaced by  certain followers of Mohammad. No mention of places like Western Europe, where one could make the argument that laws barring headscarves interfere with Muslim women's religious freedom. "Religious freedom" is always code for "enforced Christian dominance," which doesn't sound as good in sound bytes.

10. LOL DC

"We oppose statehood for the District of Colombia."

The GOP does not, however, oppose making very restrictive abortion laws governing the bodies of DC's women.

The GOP of 2012 is a big tent. Especially if you're a white, wealthy, currently elderly, heterosexual, Christian, non-DC resident who plans on living forever. Otherwise, fuck you.


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