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10 Hilariously Stupid S&M Sex Tips from Cosmo -- Why Lame Mags Should Stay Out of Kink

S&M is like soccer and socialized medicine; fascinating, but hard for a lot of Americans to understand. Here is Cosmo to the rescue!
 
 
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The following post first appeared on Nerve.com.

I knew this was coming when the cashier in Barnes and Nobles saw me looking at  Fifty Shades of Grey and stage-whispered: "I bought that for my mom, and now I'm just terrified that I'm going to go home and find my  dad. In a  cage. Bleeding or  dead." BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine; fascinating, but hard for a lot of Americans to understand.  Cosmo's trying to help with their August issue, which features a twist on their usual bouquet of sex tips: this time, all their tips are inspired by  Fifty Shades of Grey.

Now, say what you will about  Grey, but it  is about BDSM. It cannot (and must not!) be forgiven for introducing millions of Americans to lines like "My inner goddess is doing the merengue, with some salsa moves," but there's some pretty kinky shit in there. And it's nice to see a national women's magazine with a feature purportedly dedicated to BDSM. But I've got to tell you:  Cosmo's BDSM tips make  Fifty Shades of Grey look like  The Story of O.

1. "Graze your teeth over his index finger (it is the fleshiest and can handle the pressure) while he's taking you from behind."

"It is the fleshiest and can handle the pressure" sounds like something screamed at me from the top of a dry well in a Midwestern basement.

2. "During sex, stick your finger in his mouth and order him to suck it."

How very dominant. Here's another: "Lie limply on your back and order him to have gentle sex with you while staring into your eyes."

3. "Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off."

First off: this is cheating. This tip is in literally every issue. They just kinked up the verbiage a little. Secondly, he might actually find this humiliating, less in a sexy sense and more in a "There's a nipple's worth of peanut butter in my nose" sense.

4. "Press a fork (firmly, but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."

This was clearly written at lunchtime, after a morning spent rummaging around the office for kinkspiration. Rejected options: "Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth." "Pretend to be a naughty piece of printer paper and tell him to 'staple' you." "Act like a PDF and order him to 'fax me hard.' Make all relevant noises."

Incidentally, if the women who read  Cosmo need to be cautioned against  stabbing someone with a fork hard enough to break the skin, then their partners are going to need more than a safe word.

5. "Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob."

I guess this one counts as BDSM, if you get off on watching chicks destroy your formal wear. It should be noted, though, that this sex act is approved by neither Brooks Brother. Dangerous.

6. "Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower — wet skin is more sensitive."

To increase the arousing nature of this kinky surprise, I'd suggest you get up early, before he's awake, hide behind the toilet with a towel over your head, clutching the brush with both hands, and give a little war-whoop when you start swatting. That ought to really blow his mind.

 
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