10 Hardest Things About Being Insanely Rich
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1. The shame
According to Nigel Nicholson, a psychologist at the London Business School, you may feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt that others don't have as much as you, or paranoia that others envy you. This is known as "rich man's burden" – it sometimes leads to panic reactions, like philanthropic urges, which business school psychologists (who knew?) can teach you how to overcome with relaxing exercises.
2. The discrimination
Privately educated people proliferate at elite universities and thence to hotly contested careers, which is as it should be, since their grades are so good – it is nevertheless tragic to note the bitterness with which some outsiders greet this state of affairs. The attitude of some proles to private schools has become a "hatred that dare not speak its name", according to Anthony Seldon, master of Wellington College. Some proles piped up: "But Anthony, we do dare! We do hate this outrageously raked playing field", but luckily he couldn't hear them, because they don't enunciate.
3. Sometimes when people guesstimate your riches, they get it wrong
Prince Alwaleed bin Talal was distraught to learn that Forbes put his wealth at £13bn when it was actually nearer £20bn. And this was after he showed them his books! It's too vexing, you can sue them, they might apologise, but the hurt never goes.
4. If you want to be an actor, you will only be cast as a posho
It's unfair for two reasons – first, you can do all the accents; you went to drama school like anybody else. Second, if you give up and audition for the posho, you have to fight Dominic West and Damian Lewis for it, and they both went to Eton where they learned to fight with a complicated stick.
5. The endless admin
People who just buy sandwiches and stuff tend not to understand that, when you buy something large like an island, it takes ages. Which is vexing, because once you've decided you want it, much like a sandwich, you tend to want it straight away.
6. When you are a banker, people blame you for the banking system
This is actually not fair. Your salary is a symptom of a totally rotten system, in which profits generated correspond to no concrete value in the real world, leastways not until some taxpaying schmuck has to make sure you're good for it, and not the cause.
7. And just when you'd battened down the hatches and were minding your own business …
Someone wants to take your money away. "Tax", they call it. When you never even use their shitty roads, and their pathetic, smelly, quite stained social fabric. These tiny people despise your creativity, so you despise them right back. Then you have to move countries, stateless, nomadic, with the anguished soul of the refugee.
8. Some people, especially people who aren't rich, have no idea how small a £2m house can be
Mansion? YOU CALL THIS A MANSION? I wouldn't make my enemy's dog live in it, it's not even near a park.
9. You can't get the staff (part 1)
"Share or protect", they told us in sociology 101. We can handle that; we are cool with nannies who double up as bodyguards. But did you know that when a Norland nanny gets trained in taekwondo, her hourly rate actually goes up? Talk about predatory pricing.
I had a cleaner once, and she was way more qualified than me, and probably more intelligent, as I'd have been able to tell, were I bilingual (as she was). She picked up my underpants for 13 years while never displaying any bitterness. But she didn't get on with my girlfriend so I fired her. No, really. It's annoying.